The Motion Picture Association of America has fallen down on the job concerning the new “Fantastic Four.” It gave F4: Rise of the Silver Surfer a PG rating when it deserves at least an NC-17. F4 has everything: vertigo inducing visuals, existential angst, alien nudity and mens rea incest. This film, with its over stimulations and titillations, is completely inappropriate for youngsters.
Let’s start with the basic plot points. Galactus is a giant celestial pig that wants to eat Earth. The Silver Surfer is his “farmer in the dell” preparing the “slop trough.” As for the Fantastic Four, they’re having none of that. After all, Earth is their slop trough. The fab four must stop Galactus from destroying Earth in eight days.
It struck me as odd that it takes Galactus eight days to destroy a planet, while we intrepid humans can do it in just one. Is Galactus some sort of galactic under achiever?
Visual Disturbia
The opening sequence is incredible. Panoramic galactic shots and unfixed camera usage successfully convey the vast-three dimensionality of space and the weightiness of the galactic menace to come. But I’ll be honest, those unfixed camera shots also left me feeling like I needed a seat belt and a Dramamine. Theatre vertigo wasn’t good for me, so it can’t possibly be good for children. The little tykes might vomit in the Prius on the way home. Parents deserve a heads-up, and these upchuck inducing shots deserved an upgrade to at least a PG-13.
Existentialist Bride-to-Be
While Earth is in imminent danger of being digested by galactic piggy Galactus, Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman, focuses on the more important things in life: weddings. Sue is a brilliant scientist, but apparently she eschews this nonsense to focus on something borrowed and something new. When her Mr. Fantastic, Reed Richards, has a mini freak out about their doomed planet, Sue calmly inquires about their impending nuptials. She does not offer to help.
The world is about to end, but for Sue, that warrants little attention. Hell, everything dies. To paraphrase Camus: “C’est la vie.” Unlike the other unenlightened earthlings, she knows, deep down in her existentialist little soul, there is no real point to life anyway. She’s not worried. So she might as well live it up while she can and plan that wedding.
Now for many us film goers, particularly the children, we may become baffled by Sue’s behavior. We may think: “how the hell can she be so focused on her dumb wedding when the planet’s about to explode?” Well, maybe we audience members would get it if we were “smart and existentialist and stuff” like Sue. Lets face it, existentialism goes over most adult heads, which means it definitely goes over the heads of children. That kind of mental exploration is likely to cause such angst that their little heads might implode. In my view, risk of pediatric infantile head collapse merits at least an R rating.
Alien Nudity
Why is the Silver Surfer naked? Perhaps I shouldn’t impose my puritanical mores on the Marvel universe. But since I can, I will. Frankly, all that naked silver man flesh can’t be suitable for children. Children shouldn’t know what super heroes look like naked until they are at least thirty-two years of age; the children, that is.
When Silver Surfer first flashes his naked bum to the audience, an elderly woman behind me went into a full fit. Okay, maybe that’s a lie, but F4’s got a lot of shiny silver ass on display. I’m not the only one who noticed. Sue has a twinkle in her eye when she first encounters Silver Surfer in an obscure non-descript Eurasian forest. She obviously wants to “get some.” Why else would she allow the Silver Surfer to penetrate her invisibility field with his firm silver board? More important, does Mr. Fantastic know about this? Silver Surfer ass-naked should have triggered an R rating for sure.
Mens Rea Incest (known in Canada as the love that shall remain unnamed)
Perhaps the most interesting moments in the film are between Sue and Johnny Storm, the Human Torch. Until this installment of F4, it has been my understanding, per the Marvel universe, that Sue and Johnny are your standard sister and brother super-team. They tease each other, poke fun, vie for planetary dominance; that is until the wedding dress scene. Once brother John spots sister Sue in her wedding dress, the “jig” is up. In that moment, Johnny “the Torch whore,” Storm makes such sexy eyes at sister Sue that that same old woman behind me threw a second fit.
I’ll be honest, the wedding dress scene was my favorite part of the movie. The chemistry between Sue and Johnny is deliciously sick. And I wonder, does Mr. Fantastic know about this? Moreover, how did the MPAA miss all that illicit Flowers in the Attic chemistry? In my estimation, brother John eye-sexing sister Sue is worth every dollar I spent. It also makes this movie worthy of an NC-17.
If you are reading this MPAA, I strongly urge you to up-rate Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer to the very saucy NC-17 it rightfully deserves. As for the rest of you, see the movie before the MPAA changes the rating. After all, buying a ticket post rating upgrade will just make you look like an existentialist loving pervert.
Femi Oguntolu is a contributing writer.