When it comes to award season, it is now increasing clear that this is the Season of the Beard. This Oscar year, almost every nominee has a beard, knows a beard or plays one on screen. And considering Ben Affleck’s sweeping success this awards season, I think its safe to say that any Oscar win, will be indubitably decided by a whisker. So in no particular order, I predict the following winners for the 2013 Academy Awards:
Best Film – “Argo”
Based on true events from the 1979 Iranian Revolution, “Argo” is a film about a bearded CIA agent who helps some Americans escape from Iran, a country, as of the 1980 census, inhabited by millions upon millions of beards. Now is “Argo” the best film? Don’t know. Its good, but I personally like “Beasts of the Southern Wild.” It’s a story about a little girl named Hushpuppy and her daddy, Wink, trying to muddle through the harshness of life in the Louisiana bayou. To tug at my heartstrings, using a cute little girl named after a deep fried treat is the height of deviousness and manipulation. For this, director Benh Zeitlin should be ashamed of himself. But I’m a sap, so I totally bought. Unfortunately, for “Beasts,” in order to win best picture, it is missing an important element, the beard. There are no beards associated with this film. Benh Zeitlin and company are all as hairless as a baby’s bottom. Thus, the Academy will have no choice, but to award the Oscar to the holy trinity of beard-dom: Ben Affleck, George Clooney and Grant Heslov. “Beasts of the Southern Wild” never had a chance.
Best Director – Steven Spielberg for “Lincoln” 
Academy members simply cannot resist the force of the original, and always the best, bearded man, himself, Steven Spielberg. For the beard alone, he will win best director for “Lincoln.”
Now, Michael Haneke, of “Amour” is no bearded slouch, but did he make a movie about a man with the most magnificent Quaker beard in history? No. So, Spielberg wins.
Best Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis for “Lincoln”
Well he plays the man with the magnificent Quaker beard that Steven ‘über-beard’ Spielberg made the movie about. Ergo, match point. Game: Day-Lewis.
Fun historical fact, in the presidential election of 1860, Abraham Lincoln defeated Stephen Douglas, because Douglas chose to be beard-free (he was born that way) and voters didn’t trust a man without a beard. My goodness, Americans used to be such bigots!
Best Actress – Jessica Chastain for “Zero Dark Thirty”
With no carnie films up for nomination this year, for best actress, finding a bearded lady in the mix has been neigh on impossible. So I did my best to make due. I cast some Druid runes, consumed a box of wine and danced around a fire. After about an hour, the fire told me that something hot and ginger was deserving of an award. So I think that means Jessica Chastain is going to win. Its possible that the fire was talking about itself, but that would be crazy.
Best Supporting Actress – Anne Hathaway for “Les Misérables“
Those same Druid runes and that fire indicated that a singing prostitute would be winning the Oscar. Since there are no actually singing prostitutes up for nomination, I think they meant Anne Hathaway.
Best Supporting Actor- Christoph Waltz’ Beard for “Django Unchained”
As Dr. King Shultz, Christoph Waltz sported the most lusciously naughty Santa Claus beard I have ever seen. It was the milk and honey of beards. So simply fantastic, it deserves an award.
I think, my predictions are fairly accurate, but I suppose we’ll know come February 24, at 85th Academy Awards on ABC.
Happy Oscars.